For most of my life I didn’t know I was lost because I was too busy trying to survive. I was slowly disappearing but didn’t know it, despite being considered strong. Until I realized, I was only strong at surviving.
Like many women, I lived a life focused on doing whatever was needed for the people in my life. That’s what measured my existence, because that’s what I saw, that’s what I knew. I’m not saying that in a negative way because I grew up among women who were resilient and courageous. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without these women. They had tenacity, drive, willpower, and showed me how to move through obstacles. They defined survival for me.
I learned how to survive anywhere, not because I was taught how to survive, but as a little girl that’s what I saw. Until I started healing, I used to think that was an accolade. They defined it so much that it’s embedded in my soul. I had to unpack that and in doing so, I realized something significant. They were all courageous and resilient go-getters, but they did not have a voice.
I didn’t even realize I didn’t have a voice until I began my self-discovery journey. I didn’t know my voice mattered or was needed.
But here’s what I mean by “voice.” I don’t speak about a voice that is rebellious or speaks against people. What I believe deep in my core is our voice is who we are. It’s the GPS of our lives.
On my journey, I realized I was yearning for something. Something deeper…
I remember one morning I woke up and I heard a voice say, “Loud whisper.” God was telling me something, but I was so stuck in my pain I didn’t recognize it. So I initially didn’t do anything about it. When you’re stuck in your pain and God is speaking to you, you tend not to hear or see anything but your pain.
Another day went by and I heard that voice again, whispering to me saying, “Loud whisper.” I wrote it down, but then I walked away from it – again!
It’s interesting the things that we do when we are not centered within ourselves can cause us to neglect or ignore the very things that will set us free.
I heard God say to me, “Loud whisper.” I wrote it down, but then I walked away from it. Then one day it hit me: A loud whisper is when a woman is screaming for help on the inside, but nobody hears her because it comes out as a whisper.
I was still experiencing a heavy heart. As most of us women do, I was surviving through life, wearing a mask. I was good at that.
As I was on the verge of turning 40, I was talking to God and asking myself what I was planning to do for my 40th birthday. I felt the Holy Spirit say to me, “You do everything for everyone else and you never falter. What will you do for yourself?” I decided not to have a party or spend a lot of money to buy a gift. Instead, I needed to do something that would require me to commit to myself.
What I mean by that is, if my children or my husband ask me to do something for them, I will make sure it’s done. But for me, each time I say I want to do something for myself, if something else happens, I let it go.
This time I was determined to do something that would allow me to commit to myself, honor myself, and ultimately not abandon myself.
After a lot of deep soul searching, this is what I decided to do: run the Chicago marathon at 26.2 miles!
I used to be a runner. When I was in school, I ran cross country and did the relay. However, I hadn’t ran in years. But this idea popped up in my spirit and I said, “Okay! Let’s do it!”
I came to realize that the marathon itself is not the challenging part. It’s the training! It’s the process where we grow. It’s the process that’s shapes who we are becoming. So I started training according to the schedule I was given on how to prepare. One mile. Two miles. Back and forth.
I remember the day it started to shift. It was a Saturday. The training schedule said to run eight miles. So that meant four miles out and four miles back. I ran the first four miles with no problem. But when it was time to go back to my car, something inside of me broke. I told myself, I don’t know how I’m going to get back. I am so exhausted – but I didn’t know why.
When I started running back to my car, I started weeping every step. I didn’t even know why I was crying. Then I started shedding all the pain I had been keeping built up inside me for 39 years. One step at a time – crying every step of those four miles. By the time I returned to my car, I had never felt lighter, ever! It was that powerful!
Running became my therapy. I tell people you don’t have to go running, but you do need to find something to challenge you. Something that will allow you to discover yourself and take back your power, like I did. I didn’t even know that I was taking back my power. I just started to like myself. And then I became curious about who I was.
As I continued training for the marathon, I kept hearing this still voice saying, “Loud whisper,” and it got louder and louder. And that’s when I decided to really be still and accept this calling on my life.
If I can be honest, it took me a minute to step into that calling because I knew I had to become somebody else. But I was afraid of what it would require of me to stand in my calling and be the “loud whisper” for other women. It would require truth and authenticity. For many years, I lived in the shadow of shame from my life experiences.
There is a quote by Marianne Williamson that describes what I was feeling, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” Here is the truth that I discovered: I was afraid of my light because in order for me to walk in my light, I had to become somebody else.
Each woman needs to find her voice. I used to say yes to everything. When I started speaking up and saying no, I started owning my power. But when I started doing that, some people left me because they could not recognize who I was anymore. I now call myself a recovering people pleaser.
I am on a mission to impact women to help them find and amplify their voice – that still voice inside of them. The voice that some call intuition or a gut feeling. For me, that’s where God speaks the loudest. When I started trusting that voice, my life started to change. I began to figure out who I am to the core of my being. I began to answer these questions: Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose?
If we really sit and think about it, why would we want to live a life that’s not our own?
I’m here to help you find your true light – even if, and especially if, it requires becoming a different person, the one God meant you to be.
Does this resonate with you? I’d love to walk this journey with you!
DM me here on LinkedIn or email at isabel@isabeldraughon.com.
